“World still turns as Father Time looks on. On and on, Children playing, dreamers praying, Laughter turns to tear as love has gone. Has it gone? Oh, it’s a hard road” Black Sabbath
Anyone that knows me personally knows how important music is in my life. I live life through lyrics. They are my strength in moments of weakness, trials or just in hard roads traveled on raising a child on the spectrum.
This weekend was one of those hard roads. Andrew was at an all-time, downward spiral. I am not even sure if this is the right words to use. He has had an increase in defiance, self-inflicting behaviors, and aggression towards me. I cannot pinpoint where this has come from, but with a child on the spectrum each day you never know what you will get. It saddens me deeply when I try to do something nice for him and I get some sort of aggression from him, like the raising of hand like he is going to hit, very loud screams or just a huge meltdown that can last up to 45 minutes and no matter what you do to try to control him its pointless. Most times all I can do is walk away. This is heartbreaking as his mother to watch him go through knowing there is nothing I can do but make it stop.
These are the worst of times, these are the hard of times. As a parent you are supposed to protect your child, but what if you can’t, and you just have to sit on the side lines and watch him unravel? I wish this on no parent. These are the days I curse Autism, and feel like my son has been robbed of me, and I ask why, why me? What did I do to deserve this? But as much as it hurts you just have to let it happen. I just tell him mommy is here when you are calmed down, and ready to talk to me. These are the days I head to my computer and look for answers as to what more I can do, only to find out, I am already doing it. Honestly to anyone that reads this, even if it is one person, I would never wish this on anyone. It is hard road. We have the good days, and the bad days. I wish there was a way I could look in the future and predict the bad days ahead, so I can better prepare myself mentally, emotionally and even physically for what lies ahead. All I can do each day is do the best I can and love this little boy to the moon and back and pray tomorrow will be one of those good days.
I know that Andrew’s autism is part of who he is. It doesn’t make him any less valuable. I am learning that encouraging him to behave in a non-autistic way will not increase his chances of being happy and successful; and being accepted for who he is. I am learning how to value Andrew’s autistic traits. My son doesn’t lie, he’s never sly or manipulative on purpose, and it would not occur to him to put anyone down. These are some of the many reasons why people like him and I’m proud and honored to be his mom. If he weren’t autistic, would these qualities be there? Impossible to know, but I suspect his autism has helped to make him the funny, kind and clever boy he is.