So today we took the kids to SIlverman’s Farm and Petting Zoo in Easton. My daughter Arwyn has been wanting “to go see farm animals,” so today was the perfect day to do so. I used to bring Andrew there all the time, just he and I and he loved it there so much when he was younger. We would feed the animals, and hang around and play for a bit afterwards. Today was very bittersweet for me today, where I got to experience the enjoyment and light in the eyes of my daughter with this being her first time there, and all the glee and innocence a child gets around animals. The other half of me wanted fall apart inside when Andrew kept saying he wanted to go home. He kept trying to run off and rather be anywhere else but there. I was cursing in my head about the loss of innocence and glee in his eyes when he and I used to go. It was so far gone.
This is the loss I refer to about Autism. It robs you as a mother, of the child you once knew, now with the guessing game of what your child will be like day after day. Fast forward to later tonight and Andrew asked for more “meatballs,” which was actual a porterhouse steak that Andy had prepared as our Memorial Day Dinner. Instead of little pieces, he decided to grab the whole bone. Where this may be disgusting to some, I could not help but smile, since this was a new side of Andrew. The used to be picky eater, is now branching out and trying new foods, which gives me new hopes that he will, excuse me, we will find new joys together like we used to do when we’d go to Silvermans just he and I.