No one has the same story. No book can predict the right age or the exact date, and no “expert” or blogger will ever know better than you, so let’s make that perfectly clear.
But at some point, someday, moms… we are going to have to leave our children. Today was that day for me. It would be the first time Arwyn would be away from me while she was attending her first summer camp at what will be her in school in the for the fall for her two’s program.
We went shopping yesterday to get last minute supplies for her big day. She even picked out her own backpack that is almost as big has her. This was a bittersweet moment for me in the store as I tried not to cry, I was like what a big girl you have become. I was also reassuring myself that she would be “okay” without me tomorrow for the whole 2 hours.
She woke up so excited this morning, saying she was going to school today. We were trying not confuse her and let her just call it that. She was dressed and ready to take on the world and the day, while I was falling apart inside. Where did my baby go? Now two and going to her first camp. I thought I would take it harder then her. Well sadly I was mistaken. I stood in the classroom until “I” was ready to say good-bye to her. She was playing with Plato and seemed okay “Mommy is going to go now, I love you and I WILL come back very soon.” As I turned my back I could hear her becoming hysterical crying “Mommy”. I held back the tears until I could at least get to the lobby of the school. I sat on the couch for a few minutes waiting to see if they the teachers would come out and get me. Well they did. They asked me she had a lovie. I didn’t want to bring her blankets that she sleeps with each night that she loves so much. They said she would calm down and start back up again. I was told to go leave and they would call if I needed to come back. My heart sank. I wanted to go back and get her, but I knew I had to do this and she had to do this.
I went and sat at Starbucks and not even 5 minutes after sitting down, my phone rang. They told me to come and get her since she was still not calm. They said tomorrow we can try to keep her there longer. I was a tad happy inside to go and get her, but sad that my little sassy diva was so upset there. While I pulled up I see the director holding her on her lap. As I walked up the sidewalk she came running up to me and hugged me like she never wanted me to let her go, but that’s just it, I will have to let her go tomorrow and each day after day.
I have deferred every moment, every best-laid-plan, every nugget of personal desire for my daughter and son. I thought today would be a great day for her, and a good “time away” from being a parent for a few hours.
This is the “Catch 22” that catches me every time.
I hardly have a life outside of being a mom. What resemblances of a life I manage to scrape together sounds pathetic when you don’t factor in the zillion hours a week I spend taking care of tiny, evolving humans. But, culturally, I’m still expected to have a vibrant life outside of motherhood. So, I end up saying words like “on-line worker” and “blogger” to paint a slightly more palatable picture of my days than “butt-wiper” and “short-order cook” … though my greasy hair and snotty shirt aren’t foolin’ anyone.