Yesterday I lost my shit.
One minute I was feeling uncontrollable anger and the next I was crying at some ridiculous meme on Facebook. I just couldn’t get a handle on my emotions at all.
Lately it feels like I have been engulfed by the weight of my responsibilities.
Quite simply the world is not set up to deal with the needs of children and parents with autism.
Every day we face some kind of battle whether it be, finding the right school, fighting against bullies, facing stereotypes, feeling rejection, dealing with negative behaviours or handling judgement… and it never stops.
I am always going to worry about my son, his issues are never going to disappear.
A child with autism grows up to be a tween with autism then a teen and an adult with autism. The autism won’t vanish with age.
Sometimes dealing with this knowledge can be all consuming. But I never say that out loud.
I very rarely open up to any of my friends or even family about it since they are not in my shoes.
Because it feels disloyal to my son. It feels like I am letting him down, loving him less, failing…
The conflicting emotions rattle around inside my brain making me feel sick with worry and guilt.
Really the problem is I love him too much. I feel it all too much. I want to shield him too much.
I need to let go… But that isn’t an option because for now I am his advocate, his voice, his anchor.
Yesterday I lost my shit and that’s ok!
This is for any parents out there who have also lost their shit. You are not alone!